Sitting at my desk, doing my job that isn’t all that stressful. My left leg starts to bounce in a 12/8 speed. Doing triplets on my chair leg. I wonder if anyone notices….
I am anxious for no good reason. My hands have a subtle tremor and my mind is like what I imagine an ADD’s on speed would be like. Not good when I am trying to focus on these numbers. Write, sort, type em in… yawn.
I hope I can ward this attack off until not only I get home, but my husband does to care for my son.
I refuse, absolutly 100% refuse not to fight my problems head on. Another anxiety attack yesterday. This new part of my life is getting really inconvienent. This time I was in a great mood. Came back from visiting the Grandmother (yay 3 hr drive with a toddler and no ac) but I was in a good mood. Home early enough to catch a trombone soloist at the local mall (I am a trombone player). Went with the husband and child. We all enjoyed then off to Walmart to get need sheets and a comforter. I wanted something more ZEN and with the arrival last summer of our new KING bed, we have been dealing with 2 sets…one BRIGHT green…ugh. So we got a nice muted purple with a nice grey duvet cover with a tone on tone embroidered pattern. Very calming (and cheap since we put the other sets duvet intot he cover…genius!). In walmart shopping it hit. This anxious “I have to get out of here” feeling. Horriable, but I refused it. No! I was doing this. My mental health could go screw it’s self. We left and grabbed something to take home to eat. Sitting on my couch still feeling anxious I continued to fight. No! I am goign to sit here with my toddler and watch this kids movie and eat with him and my husband.
Applejuice explosion, all over me. Screaming kid, me wet, cold, and at the limit. I had to leave and ended up in my bed under my old Mickey Blanket, shaking, crying and unable to catch my breath. Frustrated at myself, scared for myself and just a general losing my mind feeling.
It took a half hour to calm. I had just enought time for a bath before we had to head to a concert band gig. I managed to play through it. In the rain I might add. I managed to have ice cream after. Then go home and apply for a job I had my eye on…. I managed.
So I refuse to give up. I will fight. The woman with diabete’s she fights. The man with no sight, he fights. The child with an amputation, they fight…. so will I.
S.
Well the last few days have been ok. I have decided to be more candid on here, regardless of the reader. Maybe HR will read this from work. I think when dealing with my grandmother stuff initially she had the link… but I see from my stats no one has been reading this blog, so I guess that worry is pointless. Regardless, I will continue to write and be more open… so here goes.
Last few days have been better. After my anxiety/panic attack Wednesday i am seeking a psychologist. Psychotherapy. I also realized that work doesn’t help my mood. Truly it doesn’t. I have a good job, decent employer, not bad pay, 3 weeks vacation (after putting in my time of 6 years) and decent benefits. I also mostly get left to my job and can surf when we are slow (although technically against policy…meh). My boss isnt a tyrant so I should in todays uncertain times be happy, yeah? No. Not so much.
First, my job is easy now. I mean blah blah mainly data entry, no new challeneges easy. Yes I make mistakes. Talk to my boss or some select people and you will likely hear more mistakes then ever before lately. This is also very likely true.
Now I am not a surgeon, or a lawyer. My mistakes aren’t multimillion or life altering. They are oops forgot to set up that load of product to ship out. I have a theory. It’s like the kid in school who does bad because he is under stimulated… that’s me. I am bored, so i distract and then oops. Shitty ass excuse for sure, but truth. So… solutions?
1) Work for more responsibility… except I have asked for that for years now… and nadda… soooo next?
2) Intiative and make challenges. Nope.. Initiative is a dirty word at my workplace.
3) Leave…. hmmmmm not a bad idea.
I mean my reputation is going down fast. So why be miserable? My counterpart is acting like my supervisor half the time and who knows…he may have asked her to . Wouldn’t put it past them. It might just be time to find soemthing that reignites my passion. I am a smart, creative, personable individual. I need to rekindle that instead of watching it smolder.
I am optimistic… change isn’t always bad. Even for someone with anxiety. This just might help occupy my mind after all…..
S
Exhuasted, that is what I am. For no other reason then I am functioning. I wake up at 7am…. finally tear myself away from toddler snuggles to hit the road for 8am…late. I arrive to work and drone my way through. No real challenges, just the same old. I head home, maybe I am picking up my son today, maybe my husband is. I get home and I am exhausted. Any task is a chore. I can barely keep from dropping off during my snuggles with my son, who is enthralled with Night Garden… drifting between the insane world of Makka Pakka and my own minds chaos.
Bed time for him, and I drag us both up the stairs. Tuck him in…. but it is really too soon for me at 8:30. I make some tea, still tired. Maybe create a card or two…. letting my mind relax and be creative. Yawn… it’s not as fun as it should be. I make a half hearted attempt to clean up my mess. Meh get it tomorrow.
This is what I have felt like for days. Except yesterday, that was the day I left work so overwhelmed and exhausted. I slept all day, and hit my bed early that night.
So the girl with all the go-go-go finds herself with it all gone… what now? It is the calmest point of my life in years. The least amount of “must do” and therefore I should be relaxing with all the “want to do”. Not having panic attacks, feeling exhausted, overwhelmed or sad.
Heading to see my Grandmother this weekend. Soooooo don’t need that trip. 3 hours down Saturday, stress, spend the night in not a relaxing environment, 3 hours home. Add to this taking my son, so my husband can see a concert he wants to see Saturday night.
So is this my body telling me to sleep, I have a debt to pay. Or is this a defense mechanism for my anxiety and panic attacks? I hope it is the first. The second throws me into the realm of my mother and I just can’t have that happen, I refuse for that to happen.
It’s been 8 months since my Grandmother went into the assisted living. She is doing well. Yes her memory is failing and some days are better then others. She is not aggressive or angry anymore. She is lonely and bored a lot of the time, partly because she refuses to get involved. The cats still go every few days, but her requests for them are less and less.
It has been 4 months since her house sold. She is aware this took place, other then a desire to talk to the woman who bought it, she is ok with this.
I head down to my hometown where she is every two weeks. Not going to lie, it is a strain (and expensive) but it makes her happier…. if not happy and it gives my brother and sister in law a break. I think in the fall I need to start to taper to 3 weeks, then once a month in the winter.
So my life is calm right? I mean she is settled, the house is gone. My kid and I get time together. I even have time for home reno’s. The thing is though, when you have time you have time to think, the refocus and for me….. the calm morphed to chaos.
I suffer from an Anxiety disorder. Not a surprise given my immediate family. Recently I have been having what I can assume are panic attacks (they don’t fit the text book definition). I feel overwhelmed and want to hide.
I have larazapam for this, but even taking it 12 hrs ago I am dopy and tired. Trudging unmotivated through my work days. Excited to do things at home, but I get there and have no motivation. After work and Liam… I am done every day…..
Well it has been over a month since my last post. So I will briefly recap. My grandmother did end up having Christmas afternoon and dinner with me at my husbands parents house as has been the tradition for 5 years now (or so). It was stressful, but not because she was difficult. If anything she was sweet and quiet. I think she was happy for the change. Which made me feel all the worse because I had a panic attack and had to take my heavy-duty medication which makes me sleep. So I slept through much of her visit, but my extended family was amazing. We took her back later than expected, and that was heart breaking. She reverted to the day we brought her down. She thought she was being taken home. She was so hurt because she thought we had tricked her. In fairness we did, but it had been 3 weeks since that. She had begun to adjust, but at this time she was back to 3 weeks earlier.
The next day my brother spoke to her and called me to reassure me she remembered nothing. She was back to herself and had known it was Christmas. I felt better. Just to be safe he came the next day and met me at her suite for me to say good-bye. In case there was more drama. It was sweet of him and his wife, because I just hurt from it all. It wasn’t heartbreaking in the same way. It was sad though. She had forgotten it had just been Christmas and was asking us if she would be there for Christmas….
I haven’t been back since. I tried to go a few weeks ago. rented a cargo van to take some things for her. Planning to visit, but the weather was too bad. I was somewhat relieved, that morning I had fallen on her house steps and hit my head pretty good. I had a nice annoying headache that made me bitchy for about 3 days.
So this last month has been just adjusting. I only call a few times a week. I should call more I guess, but after years of daily to multiple times a day calls, it is kind of nice break. Her memory is failing more and more. So is her confusion getting worse. She sometimes is back to the beginning of December talking about what to do for Christmas. My brother can explain to her all week about the house and what is happening, but every Friday she sorta reverts to that first Friday. Although last week she call my brother at 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday because she was upset that my husband was going to come and take her home and she didn’t want to go and my brother should call him and tell him not to come. My brother assured her that he wasn’t coming.
Then there is the house. Fun fact. My grandmothers cat spent so much time in the bottom of the pantry because she had mice. Tonight we may have got the last of them…. one can hope.
The house is the same, we are getting it ready to list. So this weekend I am going with a friend to pack ALL the personal visible stuff. It is strange to pack her things. Sad to say good-bye to the only home that has remained the same in my 30 years. I laid on the bed last week and was transported back to my 13-year-old self when I use to visit.
I brought her father’s desk to my house a few weeks ago. Besides being a chore and a half (man 100 plus year desks are heavy) it was harder than I thought. I felt bad, and guilty. Fact is it is a precious piece of furniture that just should not be put in public storage. It should be cared for.
So I guess I have less stress now, but moving past the frustrations I am headed into the sad place of selling a home that is sad to see go. All I can wish for is that the people who buy won’t tear it down.
The contentment is wearing off a bit, depending on the day. She is restless some of them and wants to go home. My brother explained today that it isn’t about getting “better” but being safe and independant and since she hasn’t fought or argued with anyone in 2 weeks, she is clearly happier. Ofcourse she denied this. She begged him to let her out for a few hours on Christmas. This was not the plan… my concern is if she comes out, how hard to get her back in? At the same time, it would be nice to take her for dinner and let her have a normal Christmas. If it works well we can start goign out when I am down. I have my concerns though, and don’t relish a fight on Christmas, one that would likely take place infront of my husbands family. Does this make me a grinch? I don’t know……
So my last few calls to my grandmother have been….pleasant. I am not kidding. No mention of “not being her that long” or “going home”. Lots of “good food”, “nice people”, “couldnt ask for a nicer place”. Who is this woman?
Seriously though, I am glad she is settling in. I am very happy that she is getting to do activities and is happy there. She still has her moments, but my life has felt so…calm.
Taking care of the house is a worry. Only going once a week and I feel it should be more. Strange to go in there alone now…
She has a mouse…have to take care of that with a live trap this week… poor mouse. Kinda wish it could stay.. have to think of somewhere warm for it to be put.
It has been nearly a week since we took her down to my hometown and she went into the residence. She doesn’t have a phone yet for me to call, so I haven’t spoken to her. However her sense of time is so messed up, she thinks I left yesterday. My brother tells me the nurses say she is adjusting well. He signed her up for every imaginable activity including Bingo and excercise class. She was driving him nuts, and we would prefer her be busy and stimulated. She did manage to flood the bathroom yesterday… that sounds like it was fun. Not a big flood, and no idea how except it was from the toilet. They also turn her power bars off at night…I didn’t want to know why….
As for me, I am adjusting well. I think that what has surprised me most is how tired I suddenly am. I am an insomniac, and it is much worse when I have stress in my life. For the last 6 months I have been getting at most 5 hours a night. Usually closer to 4. I was functioning on that… but now I am crawling into bed falling asleep by 1030 and sleeping 9 hours a night. I hope to find a happy medium soon, so I can get some stuff done that needs to be… maybe bed by 1130.
I feel more relaxed and can see the positive effect it is having on my son. have been told I am looking better, more revived. Glowing even…. I guess that’s what happens when one has the motivation to find a hairbrush and cloths not living on the floor.
All in all things are slowly getting back to normal. It took a long time for me to get as run down as I was, more so then I realized I was. It will take a few weeks to get back up to my typical energy and candor. Just in time for Christmas.
I have been so consumed by my grandmother and her issues, fitting in my must do’s of life. Now I am back to my life being my own and taking stock of the damage of neglecting so many…should do’s and less vital must do’s and thinking…”oh boy!”.
